I hate money. I really do. I wish it didn't exist and I wish we didn't need lots and lots of it. I wonder if it's only people who don't have it that hate it.
I hate talking about money and thinking about it. I hate writing about it. I hate needing it. I hate hating it (I bet if I had some, I could have lots of fun.)
Now, I want this blog to be lighthearted and for funsies, but tonight my heart is heavy.
I am overwhelmed.
That's not something I like people to know...but it's true.
I'm struggling and I don't see the end.
My husband, bless his little redheaded heart, works full time for not so much cash. We make less than we need to pay bills alone. Not counting gas or food or diapers or clothes or car parts. At the end of the month, we end up with negative something. Every month.
Sometimes I wish he just got paid in Trident Layers.
I feel like I'm treading water or something. Water is coming into the canoe and we're trying to bale it out, but it never stops. It's just never-ending. Money, money, money. Once we get one month's stuff paid, the next month's are already due. I don't like having to choose between having electricity and making my minimum credit card payment. It's hard seeing my husband work hard and have nothing to show for it. It's hard feeling helpless, knowing there's not much I can do to help. It's hard knowing that my little boy has food to eat today, but what about next week or next month? Is he going to be like the Lost Boys from Hook, imagining delicious food when there is none? That's a silly example, but a real problem that I think about every day. What will happen when the ends no longer meet?
I'm stressed because I'm constantly having to make a plan. "We'll figure something out." It's exhausting having to juggle all the time. That's how I feel. Like I'm trying not to let everything fall apart. And it very well could. I'm stressed because I don't know how I'm going to provide for my child. I can't plan on anything. I don't know that I'll always be able to give him what he needs, let alone what he wants.
I can't go on vacation. Or buy new clothes. Or eat out. Or get my hair colored. Or own two running vehicles. Or shop for pretty much anything. And I'm ok with not having those things. I understand that those things are luxuries, but I wouldn't hate being able to do those things. I wouldn't hate having more than just barely enough.
You may be thinking, "Why don't you get a job?". Well, let me tell you what I'm thinking. Daycare is one. At one of our local centers, care runs about $155, per week. That's spendy. Transportation is another. We have two cars, one runs and the other needs a new engine. The one that runs is a stick shift, which I can barely drive.
So, my problem is ---> if I could even find a job (options are bleak in our town. I've been looking.) I would have a hard time getting to it since I'd have to take James to work a half hour away, barely being able to drive his car, and drop off Thomas at daycare that I'd basically be paying for with my entire check. Both his grandmas are busy, in case you thought of that for a daycare solution. My mom works two jobs and my mother-in-law has a baby of her own and already watches her neighbor's baby. I could fix my car, but I'd need money for an engine first. Maybe I could get a job to pay for the parts to fix my car- oh wait...
So, trust me, I've thought about the job thing. No worries there. It's just not looking feasible for us right now. We're running out of ideas. James is already looking for a second job, which would be good to have, but we'd miss him at home. He already works from 6-4ish and gets home at about 4:45. So he'd have to work nights and weekends (of which he only has 3 free per month anyways because of National Guard drill weekends). If he has to, he has to, and we'll deal with it. It's just not an exciting thing to think about.
That just becomes part of me being stuck at home. All day. Alone. With a helpless little person who doesn't allow me to get anything done. (That's an entirely separate blog of frustration.)
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this. I know it's not because I want you to feel sorry for us. I don't. I just need to get it out, I suppose. The more I admit how frustrated/tired/angry/upset/ done I am, the more comfortable I feel being those things.
I also feel like maybe somewhere, someone else is feeling these things too. Maybe not even about "finances" (I "" them because I don't feel like I can even call what I have finances. Haha) but just being overwhelmed by what life has thrown at them.
I believe that you're never alone.
I realize this a tough economy and this is a wealthy country and compared to a homeless person I have a lot...but - This sucks. I think I've reached the point where I'm allowed to say that.
I'm willing to bet that there will be at least one person who will read this and be all judgmental and want to tell me that I am ungrateful or something. Well, that person is entitled to their own opinion, as are we all. However, as you sling your opinions around, try to remember that until you've been exactly where someone is, you really have no idea what it feels like.
I'm frustrated with the opinions lots of people have about "the poor". Many people automatically assume you don't have any money because you don't work hard. "You think you need food stamps because you're lazy and want to live off the system." Do they ever think that maybe, just maybe, you're doing your gosh dang best but your best just isn't enough to get you through? Not everyone who seeks assistance is a lazy, deceptive leech. There are people who exist that are in actual need of help. Real honest people who do have jobs, who are contributing to society, who don't do drugs, who aren't alcoholics. Being poor often has little to do with one's work ethic.
So bite me.
*crickets*
*me breathing*
Guh.
Here are a few things we (the poor) have thought of to cheer our broke selves up because, in the end, you have to find something to laugh about or you'll die.
1. We made up a game called "How low can you go?" Long story short: The person with the least amount in their account "wins". If you "lose", you have the satisfaction of having more money, if you "win" you feel accomplished knowing you're beating someone, somewhere at something.
2. We have our looks. Tori Spelling: Millionaire. Steven Tyler: Millionaire. Both butt ugly. We win.
3. Sex is free. *sizzle*
4. We're cool. Let's face the facts, there are a lot of rich people out there who are complete dorks. Brett Michaels: Rich annnd a complete tool box. Who is he fooling? He is so totally bald under that scarf thing.
Donald Trump: No explanation necessary. Nicholas Cage: Just....doofy. Money can't buy swagga.
5. Being poor has made us creative, gosh darn it! I need to start taking pictures of all the sweet meals I've made with leftovers and weird, back-of-the-cupboard canned food. Mini ham scrap sandwiches!? Chicken nuggets and refried beans?! There are delicious things that are cheap, you just have to...open your mind to find them. And when you do, you won't be sorry.
Another blog down. If you made it this far, a "thank you" is in order. It makes me feel special to know that people are out there.
Keep on keepin' on.
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