Woe to me

"Pity Party, Table for 1! Pity Party, Table for 1!"

Wouldn't it great if that's how life worked? If there was a place you could go, just to pity yourself. It would be your own personal, perfect place. You'd walk in and they would give you that knowing look. You'd give your name and they'd get your space ready. Then they'd call you, 

"Pity Party, Table for 1!" (I especially like that part, obvi.) 

And then they'd lead you over to your area, filled with all your favorite feel-good things and a sympathetic ear. Because, let's face it, dramatics and self-pity aren't any fun without an audience and an audience who's on your side is ideal.

For me, my pity area would have 'Law & Order: SVU' playing on a big screen, hot fudge sundaes, a couch & ottoman, fuzzy blankets, and a foot rub. Maybe some M&Ms...definitely M&Ms.

I'd lay there, bemoaning myself while my foot rubber listened to me, only speaking in agreement and adding little tidbits of trash talk.

That's where I would be right now.

Well, actually I would've gone there Friday and spent a few nights and I'd be considering leaving right now. Except, they'd have HuHot for me and new episodes of 'Downton Abbey'...

Anyways, the point is, I'm in a crappy mood and I'm having a hard time getting out of my funk.

It's always easier to feel sorry for myself than to get over it and move on.

A situation came up at one of my husband's jobs that ended...poorly. Things didn't go the way we really wanted them to and now I'm all dumpy. It sucks. My husband's work schedule is nuts and I kinda hate it.

I'm overwhelmed.
Understaffed.
Emotionally maxed out.
I just needed something to change and now...it's not going to. At least not right now. I feel like I'm in giant maze, running this endless race with no sign of when it will stop. It seems like the end is just ahead, but it turns out to be another turn.
Am I getting lost in here? Or is it going to end?

That's what I'm focused on.

This giant rat race.
The hamster wheel just keeps spinning and spinning.
I've been dealing with this craziness for a while and I'm tired. I didn't sign up for this and I don't know how much longer I can psych myself up to keep going.
I am in the middle of one overwhelmed pity party.

So, I looked and found this:

Psalm 61:2 "From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I ."

Whoa. 

What did that say? "When I am overwhelmed lead me to the rock."?

Huh. Interesting.

That must have been written by someone else, cause my version would have gone like this:

"When I'm overwhelmed, lead me to a comfy chair where I can eat chocolate and wallow in my own freakish misery."

Which version sounds more pathetic? 

Which one sounds like it will lead to real change and lasting comfort?

The psalmist is wise in his yearning to find solace in, and to be lead to, something higher and greater than himself. 

All I have to offer myself is more sulking. And that's not much.

The second thing that I observed about this verse is that, yes, my heart is overwhelmed. There are days when I just sit on my living room floor and cry. Yes, internet, I openly weep. Just me, bawlin' like a baby. It's hard to explain and, I'm sure most people would think melodramatic, but I'm just emotionally worn out. And yet I am not "at the end of the earth".

I'm just a tired mom.

And tired can be fixed. It's not going to last forever.

And even if it did, tired's not really so bad in the grand scheme of things.

I have a husband willing, and able, to work 2 jobs. When so many are unemployed, is it really all that sad that my husband has 2 jobs?? I have a healthy, happy little one. There are so, so many women who have sick babies or ones who are no longer even with us. We have a warm place to sleep when so many others do not. There's food for us to eat while much of the world goes hungry. I don't have a vehicle, but  I am well enough to walk. 

I have so much to be thankful for!! My laundry list of woes pales in comparison and as I fill my heart with the positives, the things that aren't so great hurt a little less. 

While it is true that...I miss my husband. I want to get out more. I wish I had more help. I wish I could organize my life. I want to be more productive, have more energy, and be motivated. I want to be a good mom and not be so thrashed that I have zero patience...

Deal with it, Buttercup.

There is no last call at the Pity Place. 

YOU decide when you leave.

And I think it's time for me to get going.

It's not a bad life. Just a bad day.