Lately, I've been struggling with/ thinking about my role as a mom/wife/"home-maker" (whatever that even is...?) and all it entails. I'm trying to sort out what being all that means and what I find myself being forced, er, encouraged to do. I'm gonna be honest here and cut to the chase. I don't like it. I'd say, it stinks.
(Let me put this disclaimer here: I'm NOT attacking anyone and YES I've read about the Proverbs 31 woman. I don't know if anyone would be offended by this...but you shouldn't be. I'm the nicest gal on the block and I totes understand that there's dif'rent strokes for dif'rent folks. This is just stuff that I'M frustrated with and have to work out in my mind.)
Now, I'm not talking about my Tom. Him, I love and the James is ok too. It's the other parts I don't like. I don't like the idea of being consumed by mom-wife-ness. You know what I mean. There's just this whole side of Stay-at-home-mom I cannot get into. I'll admit, I need to lay off the blogs. But lately I've been really into reading blogs (ONLY during nap time, scout's honor) written by "SAHMs" (even their self-imposed acronym is dorky)...and they make me feel..conflicted, somehow. Half of me feels like I should be interested in/ doing these things...and the other half of me doesn't have an opinion because it is laughing too hard at how dumb they are.
I mean, come on! I read one yesterday where this lady was challenging herself to get dressed everyday and was basing her outfits on what her "hubby" wanted to see. She challenged others to do the same, saying that you didn't have to go too fancy just wear "whatever hubby likes!"
Really? I'm all about getting dressed everyday (and I know it can be quite a feat), but seriously? I just have issues with that. First of all, James is not, and never will be, my "hubby". Second, I don't gaze into my closet wondering what dress he would choose for me. I feel like life should be more than that, people! Even if you never leave the house. If I decide to dress up, just because, it's for me. To feel good about myself. If James likes it, cool. But it doesn't have to be for him, that's just an added bonus.
Wow. That was a random tangent. But it felt good! I think I'll continue.
I don't like the whole "I have to be thrifty and feed the world!" thing either. I understand that some women like a good bargain and some like to cook. That's cool. But I don't feel like it's fair that those become "mom/wife" obligations sometimes. "Welp, you're a homemaker now. Better make sure everyone's satisfied and no one does anything but you!" Along with that, I feel that there's this kind of superiority thing among "SAHM"s, like if you don't make your own whole grain bread from your own wheat flour, wield coupons like light sabers, and didn't have a drug-free birth...you ain't sh*t. "This is what we do and if you can't, well..." They take on these "obligations" and really run with them. They're generally pretty good at making you feel this big. Never lasts very long for me though, cause I'm starting not to care. Maybe I read into it wrong, but I get the feeling a whole chunk of that community's kinda snotty. A mom clique??? I shudder to think....
I could never fit in! I'm not excited when ground beef goes on sale. I don't spend hours making menus and looking for new recipes for my husband to try. I don't know what we're eating next Sunday. I refuse to make my own detergent. I just don't worry about stuff like that! I want to have a good time. *Insert whine here* I'm over it. I want to be a good parent, but don't think it's worth it to do all that extra "makes-me-feel-like-super-mom" stuff. I'm starting to think I don't need the validation.
I guess I don't like the idea of losing my identity and I feel like that's what some women do. Maybe mom-wife is their new identity...but I like the one I've always had. I've noticed lately that the baby thing is all I'm doing with myself right now. Scary stuff. It's ok and I think that's generally normal, but, when describing myself, I don't want it to just be all Thomas or all James. They're part of who I am, a HUGE part, but they can't be what defines me. I want to be what defines me. Not my son or my husband or my kitchen or my cleaning tips. I want to do house stuff on the energy that's leftover after I do all the other cool junk I like. I'm ok with saying "You can just make us a frozen pizza because Thomas and I watched squirrels and played guitar all afternoon, and I never thought about dinner so nothing's defrosted."
Just stuff I've been thinking about. This is just the tip of the ice berg. (I have lots more opinions!) Who knows how I'll end up in 5 or 10 years. Maybe I'll be the one looking down on you for not having your own loom or whatever. Who. Knows.
I am starting to decide that, for now, I just want to be Tom's friend. I want to show him cool stuff and make him laugh. I want to wrestle and build stuff. I want to show him what's right and correct him when he's wrong. I want to watch 'Law & Order' together and spy on the neighbors. I want to have so much fun being a mother that I don't have time to do all the mom stuff. Throw some wife-ing and snuggling in there...maybe make a couple just-add-water muffins, and I'll be all set.
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